I guess we go through various changes in life to the point we adapt to another identity; Picasso had his "periods"; a la his "Blue Period", "Green Period" and so on; David Bowie went through many characterizations during his career such as "Ziggy Stardust", "The Thin White Duke", and currently David "I'm a friggin' millionaire and even if I do a polka album and I wear a Chicken Costume, I'm still a friggin' millionaire!" Bowie. Like Bowie and Picasso, I guess we're all chameleons of time in some sort. I too been through many personas in my life.
I'm rifling through all the people I have met and known in the past 40 plus years. There are clusters and groups of people that I knew in a certain point of my life. For example, in my early teenage years, I was painfully shy-shy to the point I had panic attacks if I was seen in public. This lasted for a few years until my late teens-early 20's when the panic attacks stopped but I was still pretty shy. I also had my bouts with adolescent awkwardness between 15-17. Also going to Special Ed. didn't help me going up the social ladder either. With the indifference from the so-called High School hierarchy and the big scary-ass world around me, I became "The Angry Young Man". And my "Angry Young Man" phase lasted from 19-20ish to when I was 26. Then, between 26-30, I went into the "Not As Angry But Still Kinda Bitter Young Man" phase (let's see if Billy Joel can come up with a song with THAT!). The Brendan that you see today started back from when I turned 30. Three days after my 30th birthday, a revelation came to me. That was the day I found the meaning of the phrase "I don't give a shit"! If someone was to f--- up their life and I intervene to help him/her out, the only thing I'm getting for helping out was either half or all credit for someone else's f--- up!
In 1997, I had a friend whom I trusted who was in the same graduate program as I was. We were good friends but I wouldn't say the best of friends. We were both going for our Master's degrees at a college in Buffalo,NY. In this program, like other Graduate degree programs, everybody was competitive--everybody had causes. Both my friend and I had our eyes set on this gleaming (and fleeting) prize. I graduated the program before my friend did, though in my last semester, things got tougher. It wasn't the grades, nor the work, even though the work wasn't easy and good grades you had to work for twice as hard as an undergraduate. The center of the Master's program was comprised of what we called the "in crowd". The 'in crowd' like most other in crowds were pretty much "party people" You had people from their early 20's up to their early 50's (including our PROFESSORS!) laughing it up obliviously till kingdom come at some local townie bar. My friend and I, who came from similar backgrounds, kept ourselves outside Party Central. At the time, my friend had a girlfriend that he had dated for awhile. He was pretty open about her when I first met him, he voiced his future with her; marriage, kids, and so on. As the semesters rolled on, and our internships and projects got intense, so did my friend. He became protective over his girlfriend, to the point that he did not want to bring her up in conversation. In fact, I haven't met her, only in pictures. Later in our friendship, my friend did not even want me to meet her-something was going on. At the same time, I had people from my program coming up to me, some were part of the 'in crowd' telling me they feel sorry for "my problem"- though it was never specified what my "problem" was. Another person, pretty much a stranger, came forward and said, "...it's okay, we can talk about it..." TALK ABOUT WHAT!?! I knew my friend, whom I trusted, stirred the pot and made up stories about me. I confronted my friend about this and all he came on like he knew nothing but then concluded with this question "Can you tell the difference between love and lust?" The strangest thing was I knew the answer-- I realized that preserving the values that were instilled in me, my integrity as a human on Earth came out of love. I then realized the "Gleaming Prize" that me and my friend were going for-a $50,000 job with all the benefits such as people worshiping the ground you walk on, a tenure made possible by stabbing your friends in the back, and just being "popular" was all the things that came from lust. When I mean "lust", I don't mean it in a biblical sense but something that is fueled by anger and resentment that gives you a false sense of power and control. My friend and I got into a heated argument in which he called me some names (including "sellout" -the irony). I pretty much told him to "F--- off" As he retaliated by threatening to kick my ass (and this was a 31 year old Grad student BTW), I stepped out the door- I lost a friend, but my integrity became intact. I decided to help those who only ask for it, if I do a favor, I would like something back, a "thank you" would do-thank you very much. And I pretty much stop stepping in the quicksand that came from my friends' problems. On June 27, 1997, three days after my 30th birthday, the "new" Brendan was born-I officially stopped taking life seriously or at least tucking other people's problems under my arms. Four years later, I recieved a phone call --it was my "friend" whom apologized for what he did back in Grad School-- but I did not know if I was ready for it yet. I "accepted" his apology, but I never really accepted it. I pretty much yessed him and we said we'll meet somewhere to talk about it, but it never happened. Obviously, I wasn't prepared for the call. If he called now I probably be a little more receptive and I would admit, I will most likely air out my own shortcomings from back then.
I never got that $50K gig, but I got steady work in the past 15 years. With all the flaws that came with it, I'm still very proud of my education. I never got into an "in crowd" but you can say I started my own. All the grapevines were cut down in my life. And I'll admit in my past, I have stirred the pot simply for the sake of survival. I deeply apologize if I stepped on some backs through the years, especially those whom I worked at Wendy's with (you know who you are, and again, I'm sorry!). I now realize that to survive is merely to exist. I had my moments of glory, I also had my moments of despair, we all do I guess. In the past 13 years, I still have my causes, but I try to keep myself ahead of my causes. Life is too short to count yourself out.
And several things happened-- I actually SMILE once in a while! I did a lot of traveling and relocated myself three times in my life. I even got LAID several times!!! (for those who knew me back then- picturing me get laid, or even smiling on my own volition was hard to imagine!) So for those who haven't seen me in the past 15-20 years, I'm not the same guy I used to be. I'm happy with the progress with my life, even though I'll admit was overachieved, but I guess I'm blessed.
I'm rifling through all the people I have met and known in the past 40 plus years. There are clusters and groups of people that I knew in a certain point of my life. For example, in my early teenage years, I was painfully shy-shy to the point I had panic attacks if I was seen in public. This lasted for a few years until my late teens-early 20's when the panic attacks stopped but I was still pretty shy. I also had my bouts with adolescent awkwardness between 15-17. Also going to Special Ed. didn't help me going up the social ladder either. With the indifference from the so-called High School hierarchy and the big scary-ass world around me, I became "The Angry Young Man". And my "Angry Young Man" phase lasted from 19-20ish to when I was 26. Then, between 26-30, I went into the "Not As Angry But Still Kinda Bitter Young Man" phase (let's see if Billy Joel can come up with a song with THAT!). The Brendan that you see today started back from when I turned 30. Three days after my 30th birthday, a revelation came to me. That was the day I found the meaning of the phrase "I don't give a shit"! If someone was to f--- up their life and I intervene to help him/her out, the only thing I'm getting for helping out was either half or all credit for someone else's f--- up!
In 1997, I had a friend whom I trusted who was in the same graduate program as I was. We were good friends but I wouldn't say the best of friends. We were both going for our Master's degrees at a college in Buffalo,NY. In this program, like other Graduate degree programs, everybody was competitive--everybody had causes. Both my friend and I had our eyes set on this gleaming (and fleeting) prize. I graduated the program before my friend did, though in my last semester, things got tougher. It wasn't the grades, nor the work, even though the work wasn't easy and good grades you had to work for twice as hard as an undergraduate. The center of the Master's program was comprised of what we called the "in crowd". The 'in crowd' like most other in crowds were pretty much "party people" You had people from their early 20's up to their early 50's (including our PROFESSORS!) laughing it up obliviously till kingdom come at some local townie bar. My friend and I, who came from similar backgrounds, kept ourselves outside Party Central. At the time, my friend had a girlfriend that he had dated for awhile. He was pretty open about her when I first met him, he voiced his future with her; marriage, kids, and so on. As the semesters rolled on, and our internships and projects got intense, so did my friend. He became protective over his girlfriend, to the point that he did not want to bring her up in conversation. In fact, I haven't met her, only in pictures. Later in our friendship, my friend did not even want me to meet her-something was going on. At the same time, I had people from my program coming up to me, some were part of the 'in crowd' telling me they feel sorry for "my problem"- though it was never specified what my "problem" was. Another person, pretty much a stranger, came forward and said, "...it's okay, we can talk about it..." TALK ABOUT WHAT!?! I knew my friend, whom I trusted, stirred the pot and made up stories about me. I confronted my friend about this and all he came on like he knew nothing but then concluded with this question "Can you tell the difference between love and lust?" The strangest thing was I knew the answer-- I realized that preserving the values that were instilled in me, my integrity as a human on Earth came out of love. I then realized the "Gleaming Prize" that me and my friend were going for-a $50,000 job with all the benefits such as people worshiping the ground you walk on, a tenure made possible by stabbing your friends in the back, and just being "popular" was all the things that came from lust. When I mean "lust", I don't mean it in a biblical sense but something that is fueled by anger and resentment that gives you a false sense of power and control. My friend and I got into a heated argument in which he called me some names (including "sellout" -the irony). I pretty much told him to "F--- off" As he retaliated by threatening to kick my ass (and this was a 31 year old Grad student BTW), I stepped out the door- I lost a friend, but my integrity became intact. I decided to help those who only ask for it, if I do a favor, I would like something back, a "thank you" would do-thank you very much. And I pretty much stop stepping in the quicksand that came from my friends' problems. On June 27, 1997, three days after my 30th birthday, the "new" Brendan was born-I officially stopped taking life seriously or at least tucking other people's problems under my arms. Four years later, I recieved a phone call --it was my "friend" whom apologized for what he did back in Grad School-- but I did not know if I was ready for it yet. I "accepted" his apology, but I never really accepted it. I pretty much yessed him and we said we'll meet somewhere to talk about it, but it never happened. Obviously, I wasn't prepared for the call. If he called now I probably be a little more receptive and I would admit, I will most likely air out my own shortcomings from back then.
I never got that $50K gig, but I got steady work in the past 15 years. With all the flaws that came with it, I'm still very proud of my education. I never got into an "in crowd" but you can say I started my own. All the grapevines were cut down in my life. And I'll admit in my past, I have stirred the pot simply for the sake of survival. I deeply apologize if I stepped on some backs through the years, especially those whom I worked at Wendy's with (you know who you are, and again, I'm sorry!). I now realize that to survive is merely to exist. I had my moments of glory, I also had my moments of despair, we all do I guess. In the past 13 years, I still have my causes, but I try to keep myself ahead of my causes. Life is too short to count yourself out.
And several things happened-- I actually SMILE once in a while! I did a lot of traveling and relocated myself three times in my life. I even got LAID several times!!! (for those who knew me back then- picturing me get laid, or even smiling on my own volition was hard to imagine!) So for those who haven't seen me in the past 15-20 years, I'm not the same guy I used to be. I'm happy with the progress with my life, even though I'll admit was overachieved, but I guess I'm blessed.
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