The Subject Was Turkey Ham

Easter is upon us and I already came head on to a difficult matter. No it is not about Lent season, Christ's Crucifixion, the annoying relative or friend that brings their bratty kids over for Easter Dinner, or banks being closed on Friday or the following Monday. It's... TURKEY HAM! It seems that people have no idea that a legitimate substitute for ham with its low sodium content is available to the public.

If you are not familiar with turkey ham, then you must live in a cave or were stranded on a desert island for several years. In this case these people are not total shut-outs from society-THEY WORK AT WAL-MART AND SEVERAL SUPERMARKETS IN MY AREA! Allow me to explain the "process" of turkey ham and why it is viable to many dinner tables across America. Okay, turkey ham (pronounced "tur-kee ham") was introduced years and years ago to boost the sales of turkeys after Thanksgiving (I didn't REALLY do research on that "fact", but it could be possible). What I truly know is that it's processed turkey meat with smoke and spice flavoring added for that "hammy" taste and it's molded to a shape of a ham. Hence, TURKEY-HAM! It's lower in sodium (I think), it's less in calories (I think), and it's CHEAPER than "regular" ham (this I friggin KNOW!)!!! Also, if you buy the right brand (Hormel's pretty good and so is Oscar Mayer and Butterball) it TASTES LIKE HAM--AND IT'S CHEAPER!!! You stick in some cloves, throw on some cherry glaze and those canned pineapples and NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE! Not even the annoying relative and those bratty-ass kids! Plus, it's turkey, it's ham, IT'S TURKEY HAM! It suits the purpose for people who cannot decide between a turkey or a ham for a holiday meal!

In the past couple of weeks, I got my tax return, completely paid off my car, and got caught up with bills. I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate my recent change in luck. So with Easter coming I thought that I would celebrate with a good "stick to the ribs" dinner like the way Mom (now in Florida) cooked. I felt so good that I was going to cook an extravagant dinner and give some to my friends and neighbors who like me have relations in other states, or somewhere in the afterlife, or (with other people) under witness protection! If I cooked for them, I won't feel alone and neither would they. I get a feeling of warmth and a self -congratulatory pat in the back if I do something like that.


So I went-a-food shopping and got some things for a nice Easter dinner, fresh asparagus, Bob Evans Cheddar Mashed Potatoes, those nice fluffy biscuits and the frozen corn with the butter sauce. I then went to my nearest WalMart SuperCenter and looked for some turkey ham. This is where the fun begins!

I circled around for my target but no avail. There was turkey and ham but no turkey ham! I bumped into someone who was stocking in the grocery department. He asked me if I was going to buy turkey or ham for Easter. I asked "What about turkey ham"? This person, who is very smart, looked at me and said that was a great idea and why didn't he thought about it. Then he scratched his chin and said "yeah, but do we sell that, I know we got the turkey ham deli meat, but do we got loaves of turkey ham?" We walked to the person in charge of the meat dept. and asked if they have turkey ham. "Ohhhh," replied the guy in chage of the Meat Dept. (who wasn't as bright as the guy stocker), "Have you tried Deli? I know it's next to the turkey bologna!" Both of us looked at each other and we went to the deli (for shits and giggles) and asked. "I didn't know they MAKE that!" said the woman behind the deli counter. The stocker looked at me and said I was probably better off going to a regular supermarket and get it. He also said that was such as a good idea he's going to go to a store and buy himself some turkey ham. Yet, before I left-- he said "But you can buy a turkey AND a ham!" I replied "Would you?" "Good point." concluded the grocery stocker.

The second round in my quest was today in a local supermarket. Again, I stalked the Meat Dept. for turkey ham. I looked and AGAIN there was turkey and ham but no turkey ham! Enter another stocker who looked exactly like Garrett Morris from early SNL (no relevance here, the dude looked like Garrett Morris!). I asked him if the store had turkey ham. Somewhere in the Galaxy Supermarket in Hickory, N.C.; a vortex of time and space opened up between the Meat Dept. and the frozen food section and Garrett Morris was somewhere in the middle. Garrett gave me a blank look like I had a horn growing out of the center of my head! "What's'turkey ham'?" Said the guy who could have easily played Chico "Base-a-ball's been berry berry good to me" Escuela on SNL in the late 70's.Garrett scratched his head and said "I never heard of it before". He then asked the guy whoworks in the Meat Dept. The meat Dept guy looked at me like I was stoned (or maybe he was, or maybe Garrett). and said "Are you talking 'bout the deli meat or a whole one?" I said "the whole one". The vortex opened even wider to the point that Stephen Hawking might have been impressed. The Meat guy scratched his head, and said in a half smile "naaah, we don't sell that here. Try the regular ham." What was the point of this? It's fargin TURKEY HAM people! Anyway, I left Garrett Morris and Smilin' Meat Man behind and offered my own answer to this problem:

SCREW IT, I'LL COOK ITALIAN THIS EASTER! I hope y'all like baked ziti and sausage & peppers! Italian food cooked by an Irishman in the middle of North Carolina on Easter! It's redneck international cuisine! Come an' git it!

"I'm Getting The Band Back Together" (and other life's goals)

I guess everybody likes rock bands to a point that we become rock bands ourselves. Case in point, there are video games like "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band" and every step in the video game is a concert, a club gig, or any type of venue. In a way, we are all rock stars or a member in a circle of friends that are like rock bands. I know there are several people and clusters of groups that I have hung with, that feels like I've done a 20-song set with them. The places I've been at almost seems like I did a show. My times hanging at the Terrace Diner in North Babylon, NY seems like a series of gigs at a club. I can say the same thing about hanging at the student lounge when I was an undergrad, it was like a recording studio to me. The same goes for all the places in Buffalo where me and my friends stopped by and crashed. I can go back even further when I was in 9th grade and me and my friends (Brian F., Chris M., Mike S, et. al.) trashed a hotel room in a Sheraton outside Washington, DC (nothing that bad, just soda cans and potato chip bags; we were in our early teens, then again this was 1982 standards!). And that was the thing: we were all rock stars back in the day. All of my funny or private moments with my friends were like songs. A new school semester, a new job, or even a new idea is like cutting an album at the studio. Nowadays, we all got settled down and we do our regular routines. Some got married, some got good jobs. Yet, after awhile, routine life grows monotonous.

Now I'm not badmouthing having a family or having a career. I'm not even badmouthing my own life, I have accomplished a lot in my life and I truly believe I haven't reached my peak yet. But after a while, things get stagnated. That's the usual case for most of us 40-Pluses; we get into the mother of all crises-- (cue dramatic music) THE MID LIFE CRISIS! This is when we guys buy the red sports cars and get the trophy girlfriend/wife. And for the ladies, this is when you guys wear the cougar-riffic black dress so they can get the 22 year old guy that they see at the gym (sorry, I watched too much Ab Fab and I'm STRAIGHT!!!!). Now some guys either go and get hair plugs, or cruise college campuses and get their groove on in their frivolous glory. Me? I JUST WANT TO GET THE BAND TOGETHER, MAN!

Now I don't play any instruments, I know a few chords on a guitar, I mainly air guitar (and air drums), and my voice is often compared to a wild animal getting caught in a bear trap- but I still WANT TO PUT THE BAND TOGETHER! Now I've never been part of a band, except that time in Buffalo, and if anyone has the video of me singing Black Sabbath, I would love to see it!!!!! But I never been in a band, but I have been in groups of several people that were like rock bands. I've done some things and said some things that give me "rock star" status. You can even say that all my smart-ass comments are like songs! And all the people I've been with, they were and still are to me like rock stars! Sometimes, I feel like a band plowing through a set at CBGB's even though I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO CB'S! But the times I've been to the Terrace Diner at Long Island or the Denny's in Buffalo or my friend Wayne's basement or in room 102 at the Humanities Bldg in SUNY Stony Brook, I either felt like I was the band or a member of the audience. North Carolina is not bad, but maybe I'm getting homesick and maybe I'm starting to reminisce about my buds in New York. If my chums and other pals from the past can come down here (and you know who you are), that can be good too- I can do a private gig for y'all!

During these times, it's hard to be satisfied, and no one can afford that red sports car or fit into that black dress. And "getting the band back together" might be a longshot for me. I'm just making ends meet playing catch up. I might come back up to my old grounds in New York and have those "reunions" with my "bandmates", then again "next year" is softly whispered in my ear by my conscience, or my guardian angel, or the invisible tour manager. I guess when when times get better for all of us, maybe I'll "go out on tour". This could be the same for all of us, maybe all of us were "rock stars" or a solo act. I guess we are all waiting for that big-ass gig of Ozzfest, Lollapalooza, and/or Woodstock-like proportions! Hell, some of our kids actually think we were cool once, then again-- WE ALWAYS WERE AND STILL ARE COOL! ROCK ON!!!!!!!

The Ballad Of Plunkett

Saturday night, I read an excellent blog by my friend Shelli about losing friends through the trails of time and death. I commented on that blog stating that I enjoyed her blog but I never had a close friend die on me. Little that I knew was that comment became a premonition. Playing on another stage was looking on the net for an old friend from my undergrad days in SUNY Stony Brook.

I was looking for Mike Plunkett whom most of us called "Plunkett". I was called "Chuckles" by those in the same circle as us (a worldplay on my middle name; Charles). Last time I spoke to Plunkett, was in late October of 2006, when the Mets shit the bed in the NCLS against the Cardinals. I called Plunkett in which he lived in his modified bedroom in Smithtown, Long Island since 1994. He told me that he has been sober for the past three years, he buried the hatchet with a couple of people he had a grudge with for the past 11 years. Things were looking better for him-- he was starting a new job after so many years without one. He told me that he was going to get a computer and look for me on the internet. After a while looking for him, I assumed that he would find me-- but that day never came.

Plunkett was the master jokester, the pride of a group of people we were part of-- "The Irish Mafia". Plunkett and I would do these impromptu skits out of nowhere. His timing and delivery was impeccable-- much better than mine. He had a voice that reminded some of a "bad Bill Cosby" to me it was more like a nasal Gilbert Gottfried with a touch of Lewis Black- almost like a white Chris Rock. He looked a little bit like me, stocky with round head with thinning hair and wearing a goatee. He also had on these wire rimmed glasses, and sometimes wore an olive coloured jacket. He had mild CP, so he had a cane-- actually a sheleileigh he called O'Shaughnessy. Plunkett and I would go into these impromptu skits, sometimes with a third guy Steven West who was the straight man out of the trio. Plunkett and I would say funny shit cracking each other up or cracking up the people around us. If people weren't around, we would see if West can crack up. In the early 90's, the three of us attended SUNY Stony Brook-- 35 miles East of Manhattan.

We were part of a bigger outfit called STAC (Students Towards an Accessible Campus): a student run organization serving disabled students on campus. 80% of STAC were of Irish background and the Italian Coordinator of the Special Needs Program on campus labeled us the "Irish Mafia". We were a service group on campus but by the way we acted sometimes we should have been a fraternity. There was a core group within the Irish Mafia-- me and Plunkett were within this core. Plunkett was like the master improv artist, I was more into the one liners-- a few did hit. I also did these little underground cartoons. Like Terry Gilliam of Monty Python, I was the aminator --Plunkett spun the ideas. There was the classic "White Men Don't Hump", "The Nose Picking Society" and one in which was a parody of a Life cereal commercial in which it ended with the line "Holy shit, he ate the fucking box!". Plunkett also did these one man acts in which he sang his version of "The Candy Man": "Who can take a glass rod? Stick it up his dick? Break it with a hammer and smash it with a brick? The S&M Man! The S&M Man! The S&M Man likes to inflict pain, 'cause it feels so good!"

When I left for Grad School in Buffalo in the Fall of 1994, I left the Mafia behind but the rest remain. Plunkett got settled in his modified room that he rented. There was a darkness about Plunkett that remained hidden behind his jokes and dirty versions of songs. Plunkett liked to drink-- on occasions when we went to bars, we would order a pitcher for the two or three of us. Plunkett would exclude himself from us and order his own pitcher for himself and at times drink straight from the pitcher! Plunkett would also tell me of his family. He had two siblings, both almost twenty years older than him. When Plunkett was in his late 20's, his mother (father had recently died) was in her early 70's. Both his siblings bore this responsibility of being the head of the household even though Plunkett always held the bag.Plunkett also often complained that he was treated like a kid, and felt like he was walked on by everybody else. On top of that were his failed relationships, one girlfriend of his confessed that she wanted a sex change in the middle of the relationship. He stuck his troubles down the bottle like most other alcoholics-- and he had his drunk moments that almost and sometimes led him into trouble. So I was relieved on that night when he told me that he was sober for three years and made ammends with the past. He was going on into his next stage of life-- the jokes were still there in late October of 2006, but something lacked and I didn't know what. We said our goodbyes, made our promises and hung up.

A few years ago, I stumbled onto Facebook by another member of "The Irish Mafia" he's Puerto Rican, but can write these incredible limericks like his name was O'Malley! As I was finding lost members of the Mafia on FB, I noticed Plunkett wasn't around. Two years went by on FB with no sign of Plunkett. Meanwhile it was like I was back in Stony Brook in 1993 again spitting out one liners and writing blogs in place of the cartoons I did. But it just wasn't complete, Plunkett wasn't there! Sunday night, unknowingly reading Shelli's blog the night before, I decided to go on other sites to look for him. I stumbled onto his name on the White Pages site. Everything that I knew about him match, the age he would be, where he lived; but when I clicked his name I had seen the words "Deceased in 2009". Wait? What? Plunkett's DEAD!?! To confirm his death, I went on the Social Security Death Index (SSDI)-- and there it was. His date of birth was there as well as his last known address in which there is a large cemetary. The cemetary was military but Plunkett's father was a WWII veteran and was probably interred next to his father. There was an address that was listed previous to his last-- Smithtown, NY, and I remembered him living there. Plunkett is dead! Holy shit, my friend had died!

I spoke to our mutual friends on FB, even they didn't know about this. I hated to know what happened to Plunkett on January the 23rd of 2009-- according to the SSDI, his death was verified meaning that a family member or someone acting as a family member claimed him--or identified him. He might have been dead for awhile before he was identified. He might have fell of the wagon- drank himself to death, or keeled over in an alley somewhere. Either way, Plunkett died two and a half years with no knowledge to us. We all thought he would just pop up, but it wasn't that way. None of us were there to send him off-- no proper funeral, no proper mourners, he had most likely died alone.

I had wrote about death before and the thing is, no one can really explain it. People see it in many ways. This could have been a wake up call for some of us about how we deal with the past and addiction is not a way to deal. This could be a tale about dealing with anger the wrong way. But Plunkett was not a moral tale, he was a man and a damned funny one at that! I can make promises to pour a pitcherful of beer over his grave, but maybe someone can or had beat me to it. Even though Diet Coke would be more appropos for Plunkett since he fought alcoholism. Either way, Plunkett is meshed into the lives of his friends like a patchwork quilt. In retrospect-- I would wonder at what would Plunkett would say if his spirit was next to me. He would most likely say "I'm dead, get the fuck over it, Chuckles!"

Dammit, It's Valentine's Day!

I guess it's getting close to that time of the year; I just got all my W2 forms from my multiple jobs and everything to prepare for my return this year. I like to get my taxes back soon so I can get some hard needed cashola. I mean I gotta do something since April 15th is around the corner. Oh wait a second, something else comes first Easter, right? Oh of course, Ash Wednesday and the crazy party before it. I looove Mardi Gras. But isn't St. Patty's day also close by? I mean there are no real fun holidays in Febru... huh what? Valentine's Day? Are you serious? Me? Valentines? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Since I don't have a girlfriend, wife, or any form of female significant other, would it be a big deal? Even if I did, and there were a few Valentine Days in which I was attached, I really don't care for it. Yeah, there's the chocolate and pictures of models wearing heart shaped bras and panties. Though other than the chocolate and the possible sex, what's the big friggin' deal?

Now to some hopeless romantics out there, Valentine's is everything! The problem is Valentine's is not and should not be "the only" romance day out there. Yeah there's Sadie Hawkins' and "the sweetest" days, but that's for men who are too lazy to ask a chick out. In some cases, some psycho chick ends up asking you out. Then you're dumb enough to say "yes" to Psycho Suzy, all of a sudden she's introducing her parents to you, then she's trying to adapt your last name, she moves in your house UNANNOUNCED, then she buys you a purple tuxedo (the ONLY thing she buys you ANYTHING!) and then... you guess the rest.

But back to Valentine's Day being the only romantic day out there. You can be romantic EVERY DAY! Yes, you can give your sweetie pie chocolates on Arbor Day and have unlimited sex. Because "Only God can grow a tree!"-Joyce Kilmer. Arbor Day may not be the only day a man can sport wood, what about holidays like Memorial Day or even Groundhog Day!?! Maybe you can even change the names: "May Day" for example, can be "Lay Day"! In addition, Labor Day can have a whole meaning all to itself!

But, we can all agree, that Valentines Day can be extremely overrated and most of the Valentine days that are well planned don't end up as they're planned to be. Hell, I've seen some relationships go to ka-ka because of a bad Valentine's Day! The only reason why that day is popular is because greeting card companies needed an angle to sell their cards and VOILA! Valentine's Day was born! So blame Hallmark on why you have to go through the perils of this crappy day. Also, name one holiday that is represented by cartoon hearts, heart shaped chocolates, lovey-dovey cards, and NAKED LITTLE BOYS! WTF? Okay, they're called "cupids", but you ever noticed they look pasty, act effeminate, have curious little smiles and point arrows at people. Plus they fly in the air with little fluffy pink and white wings in all their "naked little boy-ness". Is this a holiday or one of Michael Jackson's alleged fantasies? Also, shouldn't we have a day off on Valentines Day? I mean if you give little Valentine cards to random people including the mailman and the cat, then you sing Air Supply off key, and wear a shirt of blouse that has little hearts on it, and you want a naked little boy to shoot an arrow through your heart (so you can fall in love), you DON'T NEED TO GO TO WORK! Actually you need to stay the frick indoors if you're that zoned out over the holiday.

All the cheesy-ness and creepiness aside, can we just take advice from Public Enemy and "Don't Believe The Hype (the sequel)"? Can we see the day for it's minimalism and make that day special on the terms of yourself and your significant other and not what some jive card company says? In any case, if you are blessed with the one you love, Valentines Day should be celebrated EVERYDAY! Now for miserable single people like myself, we should not feel sorry for ourselves over it. Isn't loving YOURSELF still considered love? Just because "Cindy in Accounting" has turned you down for the umpteenth time, doesn't mean you should hate yourself. Hell, give YOURSELF some chocolate, do something fun for YOURSELF, YOU CAN EVEN GIVE YOURSELF A BUBBLE BATH IF YOU WISH (just keep it between yourself and the rubber ducky). And if you see naked little boys shooting arrows at you call 911 and inform your local DSS or CPS and ATF (b/c aren't bows & arrows considered "firearms"?). And let's say, you DO go on a date with "Cindy from Accounting" on Valentines Day, treat it like a normal date. If you get lucky, that's cool -- just don't wear the boxers with the little hearts on them!

Anyway, see the holiday as it suits you, and for you "hopeless romantics" out there, just don't get too obnoxious, or at least stay the hell away from people like me! Well, I know what I'm gonna do, watch some good movies like the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre", but that's just me! So no matter what you feel about Valentine's Day; hate it, love it-- the best thing to do is just LIVE WITH IT!

Cawfee Tawk

Not to go into any circumstances, but I managed to get a weekend off this week. I am so stoked. I haven't had a weekend off in eons. I'm also getting paid today (Friday) so I am preparing myself for my next two days off. Saturday would be too obvious, especially Saturday night. We all do something on Saturday nights. I've seen to many Saturday nights, not that they are not too fun or anything. Of all things I can do this weekend, I'm focusing on Sunday morning. I am thinking to go into the nearest Dunkin' Donuts (in my case, in Statesville which is 35 miles east of me) this sunday morning and have some COFFEE!!! Not just any coffee, but Dunkin' Donuts' Coffee!!!

You might ask is there a Starbucks in the hick town I live in? Yes, there's three (YES, FRIGGIN THREE!!!) in Hickory: one in the town mall, one two blocks away from me, and a new one off of Interstate 40 near The Waffle House. The one regret that I had living in New York was the overpopulation of Starbucks-Buffalo, NYC, Syracuse, Long Island there was a frickin' Starbucks on every frickin' corner! Now the Starbucks plague has spread to Podunk-ville, NC. And yes, I've been to one out near me and it's no different than the one on Elmwood Ave. in Buffalo, the one in Penn Station, and the one in Massapequa, LI (NY) near the Barnes & Noble and where Tower Records used to be. So yes you got the same banal decor, same snotty staff or "baristas" in the Starbucks in the sticks as you would find in any Starbucks. You will also find the overpriced coffee with weird-ass names and sizes of cups that you need to buy "Rosetta Stone" just to understand what the Hell you're buying!

Where I grew up, if you wanted coffee you go to two places: you went to see Mom (or Grandma), OR you went to DUNKIN' FRIGGIN' DONUTS! No Berlitz courses to get the size you want nor put up with the snottiness of the staff or the pseudo-intellectual poseurs that patronize Starbucks. Now I miss Mom, not just because she lives in Florida now and I live in NC, but I miss the way she makes coffee. My mother has a way with coffee, she will buy a can of regular Maxwell House and a can of decaffienated Maxwell House, she would then mix the both together (2 scoops each) in the coffeemaker and the magic begins! And SHE STILL DOES THIS EVEN AFTER MAXWELL HOUSE "LITE" CAME OUT! Believe it or not, even though it's practically is the same thing and she can save a few dollars this way, Mom just likes it the way she's been doing it for the past 20-30 years. And for some reason, Mom's coffee just tastes better! Another biggie for Mom is the "Eight O'clock Coffee" that at one point was only available at the A&P. Now Mom was born and grew up in Brooklyn, where there were A&P's as far as the eye can see. When we moved to Long Island, there were very few A&P's out there. Mom doesn't drive, so when I got my driver's license and got my car, I used to drive 12 miles from Babylon to Commack, LI to go to the A&P and buy her the "Eight O'clock Coffee". So once in a while I made the pilgrimage. There were other brands of coffee that I missed but I missed anything Mom made when it comes to homemade joe.

Now Dunkin Donuts was the coffee you stopped on your way to work. Obviously the donuts are hard to beat, especially the Boston Cremes and the Lemon Filled Powdered jobs. Then you have the Munchkins which went great with the coffee. The thing I remember about Dunkin' Donuts were that if any crime happened you will ACTUALLY find a cop when you need one. Yet, cops aside, I grew up on the notion that if you go on a Sunday morning and you see someone buy the Sunday paper, a large coffee and a donut, you know that person was "important". I grew up thinking that if you go to Dunkin' Donuts on a Sunday morning to read your paper over a donut and a cup of coffee, you made it in life! You were one with the world if you achieved that right to go to a Dunkin' Donuts on a Sunday Morning. I used to work at a nearby Wendy's and occasionally I worked Sunday mornings.So I would slump into Wendy's down the road getting ready for a long Sunday, dreaming that I would "make it" one day schmoozing with the other "well-to-do" people at a Dunkin' Donuts!

Now, don't get me wrong, I like the taste of Starbucks and other "coffeehouse" coffees. However, I like the nice roasted taste of coffee with a splash of milk and a trace of sugar. Yet Dunkin Donuts tastes like coffee, nothing fancy, but just plain coffee. This is probably the reason why I missed Mom's coffee. But I like it simple, as well as having simple goals and ambitions in life.

Starbucks is simply "ambition overload". If you want to be a person that you will never be, then go to Starbucks! Starbucks are for overachievers. It's okay to go in once in a while but if your life revolves around buying overpriced coffee and buying "pastries" that are miniscule in size, then you got issues, buddy! Donuts, especially Dunkin Donuts are actually TASTY and go great with coffee! Starbucks might have pieces of cake and those dry cookies, but it doesn't amount to much. BTW DON'T DARE to ask for a donut at a Starbucks even if the pastry is shaped like a donut- those snotty baristas will hrrumph you to DEATH! Now I like the independent coffee house and coffee bars out there and the pastries they have. The workers at the indie coffee places are much nicer and the prices are a little more reasonable. There's very few "indie" coffeehouses out where I live in NC but if you're in Buffalo make sure you go to Spot Coffee. There are two Spot Coffees in Buffalo and if you want a "real" coffeehouse experience , go there! But I prefer just to go to Dunkin' Donuts, screw the ambience and the high prices! You can buy a coffee for half the price of a Starbucks and there is no hrrumphing! Also the people that work at Dunkin Donuts are referred to CASHIERS and counterpeople, no "baristas" here!

So that is my plan for Sunday morning. I might even go to church so Saint Christopher can guide me safely for the 35 mile drive to Dunkin' Donuts! I might even stop for bagels along the way, a good fresh bagel with lox and cream cheese is another thing I miss from New York-BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY! And let's discuss that over some "cawfee"!

Fat, Like Me

I am going to start this blog as simple as I can. I am fat. I have been for years. In some capacities, I've been overweight all my life. There were two brief periods in my life I've been at or near "normal" weight. When I was very young and later in mylate teen years and most of my 20's. I've been on diets and I was successful at it. In the mid 80's I'd lost nearly 100 pounds. I kept the weight off for a little over 10 years. As time went by, my metabolism slowed down. I used to run on average of 2-3 miles a day at about 3-4 days a week. Then I badly twisted my right ankle walking to a library. Arthritis slowly set in that ankle as it crept in my knees.Needless to say, I don't run anymore. I also don't smoke, therefore my oral fixations consist of a cookie here and there rather than tobacco. I also used to drink regularly on an average of two beers a night. On occasions I drank some of the hard stuff; mainly mixed drinks like whiskey sours and rum and Coke. It wasn't much, I rarely got drunk-- only in some parties (and I was particular who I got drunk with). I mainly drank beer because it went well with the pizza and wings when I lived in Buffalo, NY. I'd spent nine years in Buffalo, lots of wings and pizza and the beer to wash it down with. This is where I gained back most of my weight. I don't drink much now as I used to. Once in a blue moon, I'll have a beer-- light beer more often nowadays.

I might have gained back the weight, but I don't feel sorry for myself! Actually, I'd rather be fat than being addicted to heavy drugs (coke, meth), alcohol, or tobacco. And I'm not saying that to put down people with addictions; I have faults too. You can even say that I'm an addict too! Actually I'm not alone since it's been recently reported that 2/3 of this country's population is overweight or obese. This is my life as a fat person. Yet, is my life any farther from yours? Most of my friends have weight problems. I've heard some of their personal stories and there are those that hit close to home.

A few months ago I wrote a blog on how these diet/ exercise equipment companies think that us fat people are stupid enough to believe in anything. These diets work for some but we're not Valerie Bertinelli! Most of us don't have TV careers or even (ahem!) personal trainers. What these diet companies don't realize is that fat people, like everyone else can't afford things like a Bowflex or Nutrisystem. With the so called "heathy" foods being higher than your bag of potato chips, not that many people can eat "healthy". Hell, I had to buy the smaller bag of lettuce mix which is about 2 dollars for an 8 ounce bag! And YES, I actually eat vegetables. I also try to walk a mile a day for two days a week. So trust me, it's not like I'm not trying!

Yet, it's the ignorance that gets me. This past weekend, noted director and filmwriter and my long lost twin Kevin Smith, had his share of abuse. This past weekend, Smith was taken off a Southwest flight in California because of his weight. He had purchased two seats (because that is the mandatory rule they have for overweight people at Southwest) for a commuter flight. Although he was granted two seats, there was only one seat available due to a booking error. Smith got situated in his one seat and can put his seatbelt on. Yet instead of being charged for only one seat, he ended up getting kicked off the flight anyway! Even though he jokes about it, Kevin Smith feels discriminated against. Who can blame him? I surely can't-- does this mean that we need to go on a diet just to fly on an airplane?

This is not the first time I've been a witness and/or been a victim of "fat discrimination". There was a time when a friend and I went to a restaurant and the waitress took our drink orders. The waitress asked what we wanted to drink. I ordered a Diet Pepsi and my friend (who is also heavy) ordered a regular Pepsi. The waitress then gave us two Diet Pepsis even though my friend ordered a regular Pepsi. Now my friend is about 6'6" and since he's heavy and has that height, the waitress automatically assumed my friend drinks Diet sodas. Unfortunately, the waitress did not receive a tip that day.

Now please stop me if you've been in this situation. Okay, you can't stop me because this is a blog and it's kinda hard to stop me here (yet, you can definitely reply to this). Okay, this had happened to me a couple of times. Have you gone to a McDonald's, Wendy's, or a BK and ordered some food for yourself? Well there have been occasions when I'll order 1 or 2 food items and a drink and that's all I want. When I'm at Mickey D's I generally get two dollar menu items, a small drink AND THAT'S IT! And then the cashier would give me this look and say: "would you like ANYTHING ELSE?" I even get a couple of "Are you SURE?"s. Some would even go through the lengths of saying "we've got the combo meals for $4.99" or "a (dessert item) for another 99 cents!" Like fat people have a quota on desert or we need to eat additional food just because we're fat! This is why I try to cook my meals at home!

Also, fat discrimination does not end at restaurants. Just last week, I bumped into a co-worker who likes to rail on me just because of my weight. "You know, you'll FEEL a lot better if you dropped some weight!" And she continued "you have SUCH a nice face, and you have BEAUTIFUL eyes... If you lost weight you would be really GORGEOUS!". Now this "motivational speaker" should listen to her own advice. One time, I noticed her wearing a white thong under her pink pants, AND SHE'S CLOSE TO 60, MAYBE OLDER!!! She also has a turkey jowl and crow's feet that runs deeper as she smokes her Virginia Slims ("because you've come a long way,baby!"). She also drives a BRAND NEW SATURN almost every year! BTW, she's not so skinny herself either! I would love to give her advice, however I doubt she'll like it! I need to act professional even if it's around ditzy co-workers like her!

Here's another thing that gets me: why is it that there are fat people who don't date OTHER fat people? I visited a profile on MySpace of a very attractive BBW. It looked good but there was a statement that read (as I am paraphrasing): "I'm sorry..., but I don't date large men... I'm not ignorant or anything but I feel uncomfortable with (other) big people around me." Isn't that pure stupidity or does she have self esteem that low that self acceptance is close to impossible?
Now as I tell you these things I've experienced; how do YOU feel? Do you feel the same way? Now here's some shocking statements: as large as I am, I really don't eat that much. I am not stagnant, as stated before, I do walk. When the weather conditrions become favorable, I tend to walk more and further out. Sometimes I walk 2-3 miles depending how good I feel. As far as diet as concerned, I have been trying to eat less and exercise more. Hell, I wouldn't mind running again in small spurts.Yet, these things take time and money. Like everyone else, I have neither. I would like to lose weight, WE ALL WOULD but "easier said than done", right? My advice for myself and people like us is to be yourself no matter what. Also, being fat is not the end of the world! Most, if not all of us have talents that the "skinny" people wish they have!

Also, let's face it-- FAT PEOPLE ARE SEXY! Remember when Rosie O'Donnell first started before we all knew she was a lesbian- she was pretty cute! Kirstie Alley was a babe before Jenny Craig and the post Jenny Craig breakdown. Kirstie can still be sexy if she only get some counseling and get that self esteem back, never mind the weight! Then there are other "big girl" actresses like Camryn Manheim and Kathy Najimy. And let's not forget how hot Anna Nicole Smith was before her "Trimspa, baby" days and before she croaked! And that girl from "Hairspray" is saa--mokin hot, especially when she was wearing that miniskirt and those go-go boots. She can carry a loaded gun ANYTIME, as long as she lets me frisk her! Ahhh-oooga!

We all MUST realize that there is good in EVERYTHING! If we just enjoy life the way we see it, what are the limits? There are no limits and boundaries in life. Screw the people on TV, the idiots at McDonald's, or even yappy co-workers! LIFE IS WORTH LIVING FOR! Remember, moderation is only a suggestion!

Keeping The "as" In Christmas

Maybe Charles Schulz was onto something when he did A Charlie Brown Christmas in 1965. In the classic cartoon, Charlie Brown declares that Christmas "has gone commercial". 46 years later, the statement "Christmas has gone commercial" has, well, gone commercial! For the past 5-10 years, "Keep Christ in Christmas" has been as common as "Happy Hanukkah" and "Happy Kwanzaa" when it comes to holiday statements. When Rick Perry claimed that Obama is attempting to take "Christ out of Christmas", I shook my head. I wasn't really shocked, because I heard this before; but I was            amazed that another Right Wing Bible Thumper has nothing better to do other than blaming the Left for all the problems in this world. Now I always thought that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus' birth not a stage for the whole Church and State thing. I mean the basis of this country is the whole seperation of Church and State, but that's just me.

I'm a little bit in the middle about this, and I'll tell you why. As a Christian, I believe in Christ and His birth. It is also a positive holiday, since when we come to it, Christ had a pretty hard life. What people often forget is that Easter is THE principal Christian holiday. Easter bears more importance since Christ died and risen and became The Son Of God. Not to knock Christmas, Christianity pretty much began with Easter. Yeah, Christmas is a positive holiday, since it's about Christ's birth. Birthdays are a little more fun than someone getting crucified and slowly bleeding to death on a wooden cross.

Then you have the conservatives, like Perry, who beat on the drum over the whole "Holidays vs. Christmas" issue. I had seen a story on CNN a while back about this guy who put up an "art piece" in his yard in which Jesus is holding a gun to lifeless Santa Claus lying on the ground. Of course, this scared the children who lived near the "exhibit", and many a parent is pissed off over this. Now, obviously this "Christian artist" has the wrong idea and is in desperate need of psychiatric help. However, I do agree when it comes to Christmas, we should look towards Christ as a central figure and not Santa Claus. Santa Claus is a fun figure, he is also a positive figure, you can say that he is a Christian (in fact he IS!). Of course, Santa Claus taken after St. Nicholas, a well known Saint popular in Central Europe. The message of Santa giving gifts to those who deserve gifts (mainly poor children), is a nice parable to Christmas since Jesus Himself was a poor, practically homeless child and received gifts from prominent figures. Yet really, Christ does come first! Then again, if you know that Santa's around, you want to buy a round of Jager shots for him and his elves if you see him in a bar-- okay more like milk and cookies since he's on the job.

If we want to delve deeper, Christmas was a compromise between the Romans and Pagans when the early Christian Romans invaded the British Isles. The Pagans, mainly Celts, grew trees inside their homes to celebrate their fertility god. During a certain time of the year, it's hard to tell what time since 10 month calendars were used, the fertility god's holiday would come in which the trees were decorated with flowers and polished stones. The Romans were intimidated by this, since they were trying to teach Christianity to these Pagans. A deal was made in which the same ritual can be done on Christmas (a much lesser known holiday) which was close to this Pagan holiday, which was called of all things YULE! Yes, Yule as in The Yule Log, Yuletide spirit, and the "'Yule' love it" tagline in Scrooged (great movie BTW). Yule and Christmas became a partnership, the "Christmas Tree" became a product, throw in Santa, Andy Williams, and your Aunt Agnes drunk on eggnog, and you get Christmas today.

Also, have we not forgotten that Christmas is...A SERIES OF HOLIDAYS! First we got Christmas Eve, which is known as "Advent" (which in itself a multi-day event). Then we have Christmas Day which starts the Christmas SEASON! Yes, "SEASON" as in SEASONS GREETINGS, which actually is an appropriate term since we're involving Christmas as a whole: which lasts...12 DAYS! Yes, "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" is more than a Christmas Carol about some bird (probably pooping) in a tree. Each day in those twelve days brings out a certain significance. Such as the last (12th) day or The Feast (or Day) Of The Epiphany; this is when The Wise Men (y'know "We Three Kings blabbity da blaaah") came and gave the Infant Jesus gold, myrrh, and frankincense ("Guitar Hero", or in this case "Gregorian Chant Hero", wasn't out yet). Add in Hanukkah, which was appropriate for Jesus since he was Jewish, and then you have *TA DAHH!* THE HOLIDAY SEASON! Besides, didn't Andy "Mr. Christmas" Williams himself a bigtime Christian and a well known Republican have a hit with "Happy Holidays"?

The bottom line is that separating "Christmas" and "Holiday Season" is like separating the chicken from the egg. I am a Christian, and I am proud of being a Christian (in fact, I'm Catholic so please take that with a grain of salt). Christmas reflects the positive side of Christianity, in which Easter identifies Christianity itself. I think Christ should remain in Christmas; the image of Christmas to me is The Nativity, and what happened at the manger in Bethlehem. The image of Christmas should not be centered on Rudolph, Santa, or even Andy Williams (sorry, Andy). However Andy and his friends are spared because they are a part of the holidays, not THE part, but A part- the part that makes us happy. I might not see Frosty The Snowman at Midnight Mass come Christmas Day, but I'm gonna need him (as narrated by Jimmy Durante) when I am mingling with friends and family. In the words of Linus; "...and that what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown"! And is that what it should be: celebrating good times with friends and family and have some "me time" with The God of your choice? This should go for everyone, Christian or Non-Christian.

I am writing this blog in response to all the serious overtones of Christmas, and yes, as a Christian, Christmas is serious to me but not as serious as Easter. My relationship with God is my business, as well as others who follow other religions, it's their business- again the whole "seperation between Church and State" thing kinda gets in the way. Yet, the time I spend with my friends and family is OUR business-- meaning me and those I hold dearly, especially if you are a relative or a friend of mine. And I know it's the same way, with you the reader.

So to all, have a Merry December 25th, even though most likely Jesus was most likely born during the summer months!