I'm 44, Male, & Single: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?!

 In my 44 years on this earth, I had over 10 dates, give or take; eight girlfriends; and an ex-fiance/ psychopath . I also had a couple of "friends with benefits" (Thank you Alanis Morrissette for coming up with that term, oh and writing that song about giving that guy who does the stupid voices on "Full House" a BJ in a theater). Having said that, I owned a (meaning ONE) cat (but she ran away), I don't own a raincoat and expose myself to old ladies in a park, I never wrote a manifesto nor I singled out left handed Asian Seventh Day Adventists to mail bomb them, and the biggest disclaimer of all:I AM NOT GAY!

The reason why I am writing this is because there are many people, male and female, who are in my position. I also noticed that people in my position kind of get picked on in movies or on TV. You've seen them, Steve Carrell's character in the "40 Year Old Virgin", the entire cast of "The Big Bang Theory", and pretty much every serial killer in most movies and TV shows (except for "Dexter" because he's a fairly attractive guy {in which the ladies like}, has a wife and family, and he's the "good" serial killer!). But this is the role us middle aged single guys are relegated to be: inept screwballs who have 20 cats, uber nerds with no personality whatsoever, serial killers, or having a show on HGTV or DIY about home decorating. AGAIN...I'M NOT GAY!!!

But I guess this is the consequences of sea change through the years. In the 50's & 60's , if you were male and single you either fell in three categories you were either a 1)"Playboy" which meant you dated all kinds of women (who wore those "torpedo" bras and the Angora sweaters), you might have been a 2) Sea Captain, literally, a sea captain: he often lives alone smoking a pipe, has twenty cats in his small one bedroom apartment, has a nearly empty brandy sifter in his hand, talks about "the war", and often speaks of his "long lost love who lives overseas" which is most likely a hooker in Bangkok or somewhere in the Philippines. Then you have the bleakest category of all in the Olden Time Middle Aged Single Guy vernacular: 3) The "Bachelor", which meant you were often crazy, or a hairdresser, or have a nephew who in forty or so years from now will most likely have a home decorating show on Cable TV.

Then you look at the "bachelor life" developing in the 70's. The Odd Couple had Felix and Oscar; both were not only straight but introduced the "sensitive guy" persona in Felix Unger. Yet the sensitive Felix often obsessed about winning back his ex-wife. Felix also had what we call now severe OCD, and was rather effeminate for a straight guy. But back then, it was funny. Nowadays, a Felix Unger type would be a candidate for a restraining order and/or be on Zoloft for the rest of his life! Oscar Madison, would be more doable in today's society. Oscar would now be compared to today's 21st Century douchebag who walks in the bar half hammered, wears his colors and letters from a Frat that he attended thirty or so years ago (before getting kicked out of college because he was on Academic Probation for five years), and constantly plays Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" on the jukebox. Then you have the other side of bachelorhood in the 70's: yeah that's right, "Bert & Ernie" from Sesame Street. These guys were often seen as best buddies and when Ernie sang "Rubber Duckie" in a bathtub with Bert curiously standing by in the same bathroom constantly talking about his pigeon and... OKAY LET'S FORGET ABOUT THAT EXAMPLE!!! BUT I'M STILL NOT GAY! AND NEITHER ARE BERT & ERNIE!

Before I go into another "I'm not gay" rant: because I'm middle aged and I was never married nor I had kids, people would pigeonhole me (Sorry, Bert) as someone who would be gay. Pardon the pun, but let me tell you straight, I would make a terrible gay guy! My apartment is always slightly messy, and that's how I like it. I like some Broadway musicals but it's stuff like West Side Story, Hair, and the Sound Of Music that I really get into-- so I like musicals with street gangs, Nazis, and overt drug references! That and I like WOMEN, I like the way they look, I like the way they carry themselves, I like their softness, and I like their smell. I don't mean to describe women as a fabric softener sheet, but there is something about women that I love that is beyond any detail and description. Women are a mystery and I will never find the cornerstone that all women are made from, but I will love to try. Men, are a mystery solved-- most of us like sports, we fart, we complain over petty crap, we're usually cheap, and we don't ask for directions (because I have a State Road Atlas and I memorize anything I hit on Mapquest!). Hell, I don't even know why we often leave the toilet seat up when a woman visits (sorry, Mom); then again, WE DON'T CARE WHY WE LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP!!! And this is another proof why I'm not gay: here it goes...I HATE "DIRTY DANCING"! In fact, I have never seen it, NOR I WANT TO!!! I rather stick my right hand in a running blender (preferably on "chop" or "liquefy") than see "Nobody backs Baby into a corner", in fact SCREW BABY AND THE CORNER SHE'S BACKED INTO! I like Patrick Swayze but only in "Road House" and "Point Break" (and I'll admit I liked Swayze in "To Wong Foo.." but that's just me and other straight guys-- what? we can't be sensitive?). But Dirty Dancing is so freakin OBNOXIOUS and even the songs are grating, and God forbid if I hear "I Had The Time Of My Life" one more time, I swear, I will go on a Carnival Cruise just to throw up on the deck!!!!! Most likely, there are some people, straight or gay who hate Dirty Dancing as much as I do. And I shouldn't call Dirty Dancing a "gay" movie. I just like to write a paragraph on how much I hate "Dirty Dancing". Sorry, for any "Dirty Dancing" fans who might get offended. And before someone calls me a "phobe", I have several friends who are gay. I have a really good friend from my Undergrad school who is married to another guy. He's a great guy and more power to him and his husband!

And that's the thing that I'm writing about: just because we're in our 30's, 40's, 50's or whatever age we are, whatever gender we are, THERE IS NO SHAME BEING SINGLE! Some of us chose to live "the family life", but some of us like to live a life of adventure. I'm not saying that being single is adventurous (even though being with my ex fiance/psychopath was an adventure), but we are our own choices. We should be happy that we live in a time and place that we have choices. Remember a time when we HAVE to get married? I bet there are some readers out there, that came from a culture in which the marriages were arranged and there was no say against it.

As far as relationships go: yeah, I'm definitely looking for a compatible female out there that can share a few laughs with me. If she can appreciate my warped sense of humor and my dogs, that's cool. If she appreciates life itself, like I do, that's even cooler!